I've become ashamed of myself in all regards.

I don't leave the house because I'm afraid.
I used to feel like walking away to somewhere, anywhere I might belong.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I wish I could convey what this was.
Some set of symptoms to cure...
some idea of the true nature of the problem so that you could swoop in and tell me everything I do wrong.

That's not going to happen though.

I am inconceivably idiotic.
Shit shit shit.
Mistake mistake mistake.

Pictures deteriorate in my mind of happier times.

I thought of where I might go with two dollars.
Where could I go?
How can I ever get away from you to let you be happy?

This guilt will be the death of me.

A three day weekend with insanity might look something like my journal.

;)

I have no idea what I'm doing.
I feel great, but only because I know the depression that holds me is temporarily taking a leave of absence.

When it returns, so will the inevitable terrible decisions I'll make which will perpetuate the lack of well being.

I'm a disappointment to everyone I know, and worse yet myself.

If you were me, what would you do?

Wake up and go out and do something to fix the sullen, darkened eyes that seem like clear indicators of something horribly wrong with my psyche - depression, lack of sleep, something.

But that's just it.

It's something degrading & disapproved of & disgusting, but it's the only thing I know.

So when you judge me to death --
carry out your sentence with conviction --
and please don't lose any sleep over the choice.

I loved you, Death
because I was taught you would end up being a part of me
if not most of me.

I didn't realize
you never felt the same.

Just another organic being
just another soul to sweep.

I wanted you to think of me as special.
I wanted you to love me back.

Maybe we can figure it out, in the end.

objectivity implores me to seek external solutions to my internal issues

jobless for nearly 2 years now
hated by most if not all
unable to have a meaningful interaction to save my drowning ego

I don't feel up to anything most of the time.
I can't even play guitar like I used to.

I'm coming undone
and I don't know how to stop it or change it for the better.

I know that I'm standing still
when the key is to keep moving
and yet I can't find the will to press forward

I've been writing this bullshit for too long.

I use words I don't remember the definitions of to try to relate to people who would probably hate me if they shared anything in common with me in the first place


I stay three steps ahead by not applying anything to anyone, ever

I sleep sideways because it's faster

And I ramble on

when it's late, or early, or whenever

and death asks me to not exist
and I want to be a hospitable host
so I oblige

and everything I ever claimed to love was slain by depression
and everything I ever hated was my reflection
and when this end of words and ideas comes

I hope I will have finished thinking,
stopped analyzing
quit quitting *irony
and just be
or not.

Terraforming is probably easier for such an entity anyway.

All it took was one examination

The Doctor, degrees in hand
not posted on the wall
I still imagine it to this day
and dream of how strange it was, and could have been.

He told me:
you're deathly afraid.
You have this death wish
but it's not really what you want.

You have this insatiable curiosity about suicide
but it's not because you really want to go through with it.

He found my weakness in the course of our dialogue
He told me I was afraid of being alone
Of dying alone
Of living my entire life, alone.

He also told me that what we fear has a tendency to manifest.

Such is the power of our mind
such is the nature of our world.

If only we could have remained friends.

that's telling you to "SLOW DOWN"



I caught it
only for a second
before I ran it over.


For a moment, there was an arbitrary epiphany.
A moment of clarity where everything in the world seemed to stand still.

One, solitary, peaceful nothingness.

Like my brain stopped pumping its toxic form of electricity into the atmosphere for one puny moment out of the unfathomable number that are strung together and connected in various, inexplicable ways.

It was like I was in one of my -impressionist, artistic, painted-on-canvas with acrylic & watercolors colliding- type of dreams. More realistically, a nightmare.
It was surreal, and yet, more real than anything I've ever felt before.

No drug is capable of giving you such clarity.
No visualization or description will bring you to this cliff I'm peering off of, and kind of but not really contemplating jumping off of just for the hell of it.

There was meaning here, in the emptiness.

As I put the car in reverse to see what poor fool I might have killed due to my recklessness,
I started using doublethink against myself.

What if it was a kitten?
I hate killing kittens unnecessarily.

That reminds me of a time when kittens & their respective owners were killed out of necessity - the great pandemic of kitten influenza. How will anyone with a shred of decency, or even a glimmer of dignity, escape this madhouse?

If nothing else, we seem to be trapped here. Confined to this sticky situation, vibrating and jumbling together our collective ideas without any coherence or point.
You might call it as close to the truth as I've ever gotten.

Personally, I hate it all.
I hope to see everything burn.

The chills I used to get

the pains in my neck/lower brain region

I miss them.

They were the only things I could depend on.

My utter devastation
upon this realm
is nearly complete.

When I'm finished,
no one will remember you.
No one will miss you.
Nothing will have meant anything.
And you wonder why you're ill-prepared for me
and my brand of chaos & death.

This deception
your heartbreak
my heartlessness
these are all just different terms
conflicting & colliding vocabularies

describing the end of your supposed species.

Don't let yourself be convinced otherwise,
you were always part of me.

No one now.

"Saints or sinners --
a blueprint for change.

This wasn't what we wanted.

Anyway,
I guess you win."

"Tell me who you want me to be.

Show me who I really am.

Interact -- respond before I push you away.

This blueprint for change you've introduced...
becoming a Saint - or a sinner - this wasn't our agreement.

I never chose this.

This isn't our desired result, or anywhere close to what I wanted.

Anyway,
I guess you win.


I mean, it always was a competition with you, right?"

It slowly rises.

Your love is gonna drown.

"I can help you out.

I'll be what you need.

I'll do anything.

Goodbye, apathy."

I keep calling
texting
e-mailing

all the while loathing face to face contact

not because I'm passive aggressive

but because I hate appearances.

I hate my body.

I hate my face.

I hate everything about myself physically.

I am in love with my mind

how do you meet someone who will love me for that, rather than what they see with their eyes?


To be more concise: how do you meet someone who will love you?

I'm not sure love exists. There is a chemical reaction going on - the biological imperative to procreate - but aside from that...?

Some people think monogamy is the best form of a relationship.
If you look at it evolutionarily - getting with as many people as possible was an adaptive advantage for immortality through offspring.

And then along came STDs.... and then complications from competing families you started and are responsible for trying to help everyone survive. (assuming you're a good parent) [poor assumption]

Maybe we have it right.

Maybe they have it right.

Whoever is winning, regardless:
I feel like I'm forever in the wrong.

Call it karmic debt, call it what you want - I just don't know how to silence the voices that call out to me from that place without names.

The dream sequence ended so long ago. I woke up. My hands were covered in blood, my face still bleeding from the struggle with you.

I am scarred, but I know it's my choice to be this way.
I know I am turning into something else... a demon? An angel?
Perhaps something less grandiose: a monster, an honest person?

Whatever happens, I know I'll want to give up along the way.

This will serve as my reminder, that you can't give up.
You can never give up.
Even if it hurts. Push.

Waiting away
the best time
the best time of my life

It's all in the waiting...

Your intentions are never pure.

I've written you all off.

Clearly, nothing will ever be good enough.

I might not either.

But I'll be damned if I'll let anyone hold me back anymore.


I'd rather be dead.

I say that to a lot of trivial crap, but I mean it.

If ever there was something to care about...

"as serious as your life."

Somehow...
someway.


My will...
I will.


For a brief moment today
the hate subsided.

I looked at people as possible friends rather than competition.

I looked at your stupid face, and instead of labeling it stupid immediately...
I simply didn't label it at all.


People just are. They don't know any better.

I certainly don't.

They had one thing right before...

Our world is flat... emotionally.

On the edge of chaos, nothingness, regret, sorrow & apathy.

These things beckon me.
They call to me in the dark.

I think it's time to start calling back and see what I can provoke.

is definitely Four Tet.

Skills. For real.

http://songza.com/~5vudgo