You've got a lot to lose

Need to understand

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:51:54 GMT

I've become ashamed of myself in all regards.

I don't leave the house because I'm afraid.
I used to feel like walking away to somewhere, anywhere I might belong.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

I wish I could convey what this was.
Some set of symptoms to cure...
some idea of the true nature of the problem so that you could swoop in and tell me everything I do wrong.

That's not going to happen though.

I am inconceivably idiotic.
Shit shit shit.
Mistake mistake mistake.

Followers trying to lead

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 04:11:12 GMT

Pictures deteriorate in my mind of happier times.

I thought of where I might go with two dollars.
Where could I go?
How can I ever get away from you to let you be happy?

This guilt will be the death of me.

Eventuality

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 12:14:17 GMT

A three day weekend with insanity might look something like my journal.

;)

I have no idea what I'm doing.
I feel great, but only because I know the depression that holds me is temporarily taking a leave of absence.

When it returns, so will the inevitable terrible decisions I'll make which will perpetuate the lack of well being.

I'm a disappointment to everyone I know, and worse yet myself.

If you were me, what would you do?

Wake up and go out and do something to fix the sullen, darkened eyes that seem like clear indicators of something horribly wrong with my psyche - depression, lack of sleep, something.

But that's just it.

It's something degrading & disapproved of & disgusting, but it's the only thing I know.

So when you judge me to death --
carry out your sentence with conviction --
and please don't lose any sleep over the choice.

You, yourself, and whoever else you let inhabit your soul

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 12:28:09 GMT

I continually trip over myself
trying to reinvent something that was never really there

I don't know where the drawback became so transparent to me -
the obvious negative to being whole & complete & happy.

There's something ugly hiding in those people.
The wasted breaths and lack of depth
they shine in approved FCC colors.
I want to bleed in alien colors all over their screens
and short circuit the wires that only do as their programming allows.

We need adaptability in a whole new wave.
We need to come together to conquer this problem of self.
We need dissension among the ranks
or else we'll move as a singular mistake.
After all we've done to rid ourselves of slavery
we are now indentured to prosperity or death.

I want to be cohesive again, and not contrarian to everyone I care about.

Must it always be so painstaking to disagree?
Must I dwindle to nothingness simply to try again?

I'm missing it. It's hitting me in the head, destroying valuable brain synapse formations
but I am missing it.

Or even scarier yet, I had it, and now lost it and lost the right to it.

Happiness is abstract, and you must convince yourself you have it before you realize you have it and you can't nail it to the wall and display it
or stockpile it

because it's all out of your hands now.
You are the reactive aftermath of death & destruction.
You will be free when you remember what it means to live.

Control

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:20:03 GMT

I loved you, Death
because I was taught you would end up being a part of me
if not most of me.

I didn't realize
you never felt the same.

Just another organic being
just another soul to sweep.

I wanted you to think of me as special.
I wanted you to love me back.

Maybe we can figure it out, in the end.

honest assessment

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 17:23:32 GMT

objectivity implores me to seek external solutions to my internal issues

jobless for nearly 2 years now
hated by most if not all
unable to have a meaningful interaction to save my drowning ego

I don't feel up to anything most of the time.
I can't even play guitar like I used to.

I'm coming undone
and I don't know how to stop it or change it for the better.

I know that I'm standing still
when the key is to keep moving
and yet I can't find the will to press forward

Reshaping the Earth

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 10:17:30 GMT

I've been writing this bullshit for too long.

I use words I don't remember the definitions of to try to relate to people who would probably hate me if they shared anything in common with me in the first place

I stay three steps ahead by not applying anything to anyone, ever

I sleep sideways because it's faster

And I ramble on

when it's late, or early, or whenever

and death asks me to not exist
and I want to be a hospitable host
so I oblige

and everything I ever claimed to love was slain by depression
and everything I ever hated was my reflection
and when this end of words and ideas comes

I hope I will have finished thinking,
stopped analyzing
quit quitting *irony
and just be
or not.

Terraforming is probably easier for such an entity anyway.

A Heart Conquered By Fear

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 22:32:04 GMT

All it took was one examination

The Doctor, degrees in hand
not posted on the wall
I still imagine it to this day
and dream of how strange it was, and could have been.

He told me:
you're deathly afraid.
You have this death wish
but it's not really what you want.

You have this insatiable curiosity about suicide
but it's not because you really want to go through with it.

He found my weakness in the course of our dialogue
He told me I was afraid of being alone
Of dying alone
Of living my entire life, alone.

He also told me that what we fear has a tendency to manifest.

Such is the power of our mind
such is the nature of our world.

If only we could have remained friends.

Running Over The Sign

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 17:44:11 GMT

that's telling you to "SLOW DOWN"

I caught it
only for a second
before I ran it over.

For a moment, there was an arbitrary epiphany.
A moment of clarity where everything in the world seemed to stand still.

One, solitary, peaceful nothingness.

Like my brain stopped pumping its toxic form of electricity into the atmosphere for one puny moment out of the unfathomable number that are strung together and connected in various, inexplicable ways.

It was like I was in one of my -impressionist, artistic, painted-on-canvas with acrylic & watercolors colliding- type of dreams. More realistically, a nightmare.
It was surreal, and yet, more real than anything I've ever felt before.

No drug is capable of giving you such clarity.
No visualization or description will bring you to this cliff I'm peering off of, and kind of but not really contemplating jumping off of just for the hell of it.

There was meaning here, in the emptiness.

As I put the car in reverse to see what poor fool I might have killed due to my recklessness,
I started using doublethink against myself.

What if it was a kitten?
I hate killing kittens unnecessarily.

That reminds me of a time when kittens & their respective owners were killed out of necessity - the great pandemic of kitten influenza. How will anyone with a shred of decency, or even a glimmer of dignity, escape this madhouse?

If nothing else, we seem to be trapped here. Confined to this sticky situation, vibrating and jumbling together our collective ideas without any coherence or point.
You might call it as close to the truth as I've ever gotten.

Personally, I hate it all.
I hope to see everything burn.

My blood runs backward, if at all

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 15:36:00 GMT

The chills I used to get

the pains in my neck/lower brain region

I miss them.

They were the only things I could depend on.

My utter devastation
upon this realm
is nearly complete.

When I'm finished,
no one will remember you.
No one will miss you.
Nothing will have meant anything.
And you wonder why you're ill-prepared for me
and my brand of chaos & death.

This deception
your heartbreak
my heartlessness
these are all just different terms
conflicting & colliding vocabularies

describing the end of your supposed species.

Don't let yourself be convinced otherwise,
you were always part of me.

Nothing now

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 15:22:33 GMT

No one now.

I can almost hear you scream

Mon, 25 May 2009 18:26:08 GMT

"Saints or sinners --
a blueprint for change.

This wasn't what we wanted.

Anyway,
I guess you win."

"Tell me who you want me to be.

Show me who I really am.

Interact -- respond before I push you away.

This blueprint for change you've introduced...
becoming a Saint - or a sinner - this wasn't our agreement.

I never chose this.

This isn't our desired result, or anywhere close to what I wanted.

Anyway,
I guess you win.

I mean, it always was a competition with you, right?"

While you debate half empty or half full...

Mon, 25 May 2009 16:37:54 GMT

It slowly rises.

Your love is gonna drown.

something else

Fri, 15 May 2009 20:36:29 GMT

"I can help you out.

I'll be what you need.

I'll do anything.

Goodbye, apathy."

Trying to reach you

Wed, 13 May 2009 15:21:17 GMT

I keep calling
texting
e-mailing

all the while loathing face to face contact

not because I'm passive aggressive

but because I hate appearances.

I hate my body.

I hate my face.

I hate everything about myself physically.

I am in love with my mind

how do you meet someone who will love me for that, rather than what they see with their eyes?

To be more concise: how do you meet someone who will love you?

I'm not sure love exists. There is a chemical reaction going on - the biological imperative to procreate - but aside from that...?

Some people think monogamy is the best form of a relationship.
If you look at it evolutionarily - getting with as many people as possible was an adaptive advantage for immortality through offspring.

And then along came STDs.... and then complications from competing families you started and are responsible for trying to help everyone survive. (assuming you're a good parent) [poor assumption]

Maybe we have it right.

Maybe they have it right.

Whoever is winning, regardless:
I feel like I'm forever in the wrong.

Call it karmic debt, call it what you want - I just don't know how to silence the voices that call out to me from that place without names.

The dream sequence ended so long ago. I woke up. My hands were covered in blood, my face still bleeding from the struggle with you.

I am scarred, but I know it's my choice to be this way.
I know I am turning into something else... a demon? An angel?
Perhaps something less grandiose: a monster, an honest person?

Whatever happens, I know I'll want to give up along the way.

This will serve as my reminder, that you can't give up.
You can never give up.
Even if it hurts. Push.

Leave me paralyzed, love

Sun, 10 May 2009 02:14:03 GMT

Waiting away
the best time
the best time of my life

It's all in the waiting...

Written off

Fri, 08 May 2009 06:03:27 GMT

Your intentions are never pure.

I've written you all off.

Clearly, nothing will ever be good enough.

I might not either.

But I'll be damned if I'll let anyone hold me back anymore.

I'd rather be dead.

I say that to a lot of trivial crap, but I mean it.

If ever there was something to care about...

"as serious as your life."

Killing time in the 70's

Fri, 08 May 2009 05:37:33 GMT

Somehow...
someway.

My will...
I will.

For a brief moment today
the hate subsided.

I looked at people as possible friends rather than competition.

I looked at your stupid face, and instead of labeling it stupid immediately...
I simply didn't label it at all.

People just are. They don't know any better.

I certainly don't.

Frontier Psychiatry

Mon, 04 May 2009 15:09:02 GMT

They had one thing right before...

Our world is flat... emotionally.

On the edge of chaos, nothingness, regret, sorrow & apathy.

These things beckon me.
They call to me in the dark.

I think it's time to start calling back and see what I can provoke.

My latest favorite artist

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 01:45:07 GMT

is definitely Four Tet.

Skills. For real.

http://songza.com/~5vudgo

Beaten to the punch by Maynard yet again

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:19:26 GMT

Listen to the tales and romanticize
how we'd follow the path of the hero.
Boast about the day when the rivers overrun
how we rise to the height of our halo.

Listen to the tales as we all rationalize
our way into the arms of the savior.
Feigning all the trials and the tribulations,
none of us have actually been there.
Not like you.

Ignorant siblings in the congregation
Gather around spewing sympathy...
spare me.
None of them can even hold a candle up to you.
Blinded by choice, these hypocrites won't see.

But, enough about the collective Judas.
Who could deny you were the one who
illuminated my little piece of the divine?

And this little light of mine, a gift you passed on to me;
I'm gonna let it shine to guide you safely on your way,
Your way home ...

Oh, what are they going to do when the lights go down
without you to guide them all to Zion?
What are they going to do when the rivers overrun
other than tremble incessantly?

High is the way, but all eyes are upon the ground.
You were the light and the way, they'll only read about.
I only pray, Heaven knows when to lift you out.
Ten thousand days in the fire is long enough;
you're going home.

You're the only one who can hold your head up high,
shake your fists at the gates saying:
"I've come home now!
Fetch me the spirit, the son, and the father.
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.
It's time now!
My time now!
Give me my, give me my wings!"

You are the light and way that they will only read about.

Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance,
burden of proof tossed upon the believers.
You were my witness, my eyes, my evidence,
Judith Marie, unconditional one.

Daylight dims leaving cold fluorescence.
Difficult to see you in this light.
Please forgive this bold suggestion, but
should you see your Maker's face tonight,
Look Him in the eye, look Him in the eye, and tell Him:
"I never lived a lie, never took a life, but surely saved one.
Hallelujah, it's time for you to bring me home."

Returns & Departures

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:01:15 GMT

I love you so much, I see you in every other girl.
When I see them smile, it reminds me of you.
When I hear anyone singing, I wish we were singing.
I can't escape your gaze in their eyes.
I can't separate my feelings for you
from the feelings I wish I earnestly, honestly felt.
If this is a dream,
if this is a fallacy,
if I am succumbing to illogical, irrational living...

let the dream die.
Let the fallacy be corrected.
Let logic & reason triumph.

Even after it's cold & dead,
my heart will still be holding on for one more beat when, if, you ever come back to me.

Further down the rabbit hole

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 11:49:45 GMT

12/15/2002
The first the last and everything to come
Posted: 11:56:25 PM

So what is today on God's scale of importantness?
Christ is born in 10 days.
I wonder what God had to do to get his DNA in Jesus rather than that of Joseph's?
I wonder if God ever planned on us mere humans ever finding out about DNA and genetic cloning and what not.
Just saying what not makes me remember how much i hate to hear it.

"I wish I was too dead to care. If indeed I cared at all."
-Stone Sour - Bother

God, it sickens me how easily my depression kicks my ass sometimes.
I can basically turn on the forementioned song at any time and suddenly feel like the blood drawn from cutting my own wrist might do the world some good.

Although the guitar all throughout the song is quite amazing and soothing.

"I wish I'd died.. instead of lived."

So I guess now's that time when I look back on my day and reflect.

I went to Madison, tried to sell some CD's.
They didn't want a single one.

My friend made 40 dollars selling his, which is kickass none the less.

I only saw Ryan once today, for about 5 minutes.
He was sleeping still at like 12:30. I figured he was better off in bed than coming with.

Spent a majority of the day with Nic, not to anyone's surprise.

Sometimes I really feel underappreacated by him.
A lot of the time i feel that way I guess.

A harsh realization came to me today.
People change. Who you thought was once completely infatuated with you, might change their mind.
All of a sudden it's just boring old Kyle, same shit to say, same shit wrong, "Nothing worth while in that investment," so to speak.

I wish I could begin to describe how much it hurts when I realized this girl might not feel the same way about me.
It's like everything I've ever found pointed me towards this... I mean shit, I was on more drugs than anyone should ever be on and this idea just came and slapped me in the face that this could possibly be the one.
And now I just don't know. Perhaps it was the drugs, perhaps it was just a different time.

What can I say? Love fades. One day I might mean the world to you, the next I might be as distant as the setting sun.

As I am listening to Tool, something slaps me in the face.
It's... inspiration.. it's life.. it's whatever essence Tool has entwined with their music.

I can't help but feel moved, but at the same time, I know it's just a song and they probably just made it for the same reasons Britney Spears first did "Baby one more time".

"I know the pieces fit!" The drumming that occurs right after Maynard chanting that is just insane.
The double bass pedals sound like machine guns, and hell if I will ever be able to play that whole song on drums.
Although having my own drum set would be a step in the right direction.

So I guess this is new. New to replace my old habbits of writing to people that never seem to write back.
I can always expect a response from Laura, but only because she respects the time it takes to write a few pages of non-sense and rambling.

Guilty as charged: I'm thinking too much.

Over analyzation seems to be my sin. And God will testify that I am doing it almost every minute i'm conscious.

"Two times a day, understand?" - The Avalanches - Radio

I wonder when my day will come. That day when I am in love, at home, and right with myself all at once.
I know it sounds like a miracle doesn't it?

I still am not taking anything for my depression,
and maybe that's why no matter what time of day it is, no matter who is around... I just feel alone.
Lonely.. deprived of a relationship.. anything meaningful that could one day lead to something special.

I love my hemp necklace.

So in summary: Why is life so taped up and defined and restricted? Legal issues, fine print, read between the lines!!! The world just seems to be swirling around so much that I don't know how people can keep up and stay on top.

Maybe one day, some day in the near future, I will be happy.
I can't fight my depression forever, and I can't go on living without some sense of where I'm going in this ocean of chaos.

"I'm sure you'll find a reason, God knows i've got the rhyme, because it takes up nearly all my time."

Sublime's timeless lyrics seem to pick me up though, so I can't be that fucked up in the head.

I miss having anyone to say "I love you" to. Perhaps I should spend some time with my mom and say that to her, given I am leaving in less than a week.
I don't think she cares though.
I don't think you do either.

Words of advice: Don't look down. It's so easy to give up and want to throw it all away, but nothing would ever get done that way! There has to be suffering because it is caused by striving for something better! With stress and problems come achievement and something new,something reformed.
Whatever you feel you are stuck with now is not bound to you. The pleasures of this earth are numerous, and every day brings a new oppritunity to experience them.

I don't know how long we have left. I hope a long time.
Bill Hicks died 8 fucking years ago.
Why couldn't he have been president?

With all of this nonsense, I leave you with this:
No matter who you hurt to obtain your happiness
Remember that you hurt them, and that you owe them.

I don't owe anyone shit.

What I'm up to
Listening to: Radiohead - Everything in it's right place
Eating: leftover pizza... mmm
Drinking: Dr. Pepper...
Liked most about the day: the 3 beers at Roy's house
Wish was different: the time!! Oh how it always flys when you're having fun.
Talking to: absolutely noone. It's 4:20! :-D
Looking forward to: seeing my friends tomorrow... not having to do any algebra 2 trig!

Hey, you know what?

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 03:56:29 GMT

Entry from 11/16/2003. I will analyze this later to see what's changed.

"How to appeal to you...

How to reel you in like a fish... with my shiny new piece of bait.

How did I acquire such an effective deception?
Years of practice. Yes, I lie awake at night, contemplating how to make you like me more.

Alright, so the introduction is done.
I'll try to stop the massive outpour of sarcastic, useless thoughts now.

Things are going to change in my life. For instance, my grades in school. Also changing: my opinions on the meaningfulness of life, my sleeping habits, my depression, my neurosis, my constant compulsion to see what death brings, my near constant compulsion to sleep all day everyday, my anal-retentive tendencies, my close minded nature, my concept of love, my overwhelming overweight obesity, a weakness I've felt since birth, this weakness I fight right now.

All of it. Consider it a winner-take-all war. I'm going to kill one of the four of me.

I don't really know if there are 3 other people that coincide in my body, but I am assuming there is at least one other. If it is nothing other than a manifestation of my own emotions, so be it.

And now I am embarrassed for my own honesty. I remember in 11th grade, a peer told me that I was too honest. As if it was a fault. A mistake on my personality's behalf.

Well I don't know about that. But I do know that when it comes down it, humanity has many reasons to feel ashamed.

To be able to forget these reasons, and move on into a future with universal love and friendship... that's where I want to be when I wake up.

Sweet dreams naive dreams."

You're in my mind, you're in my heart

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 09:51:12 GMT

Imagine your suffering as a part of all of humanity's suffering.

Does this make you feel less alone?

Does this point you toward a truth?

"I wish I knew right from the start..."